September 6, 2026 | 15th Sunday after Pentecost
Holy Trinity Lutheran Church — Buffalo, NY
References
Scripture: Matthew 18:15–20
Video of worship/sermon
We Need to Talk
If someone comes up to you and says, “We need to talk,” how does that make you feel?
Those simple words can make us very nervous, anxious, and defensive.
Usually, when someone says, “We need to talk,” we assume something has gone terribly wrong. But what if talking isn’t a sign that something is wrong? What if talking is one of the ways we make things right?
A couple I met with in preparation for their wedding taught me a lot about healthy communication. As we talked about their what they really appreciated about their own communication, they said that they have weekly check-ins and they have honest and hard conversation as soon as they need to. They said:
“We have tough conversations now so we don’t have to have tougher conversations later.”
There’s a lot of wisdom in that! Do you hear how it shows us that thoughtful, caring communication is ultimately about loving people? And that’s the core of the gospel message.
Go to the Person
In Matthew’s gospel, we hear that, if someone sins against you, first take a step that is both simple and can be terribly difficult:
Go to the person.
For some of us, our instinct is simply to hold it in and not make a fuss. But it’s not healthy to hold these hurts inside.
For some of us, our instinct is to talk with other people who might share our point of view rather than going to the person. It may feel good to commiserate, but what good does that ultimately do? It doesn’t resolve anything.
Rather than leading to reconciliation and resolution, it leads to parking-lot conversation about someone who isn’t even there.
Letting things fester or holding them in only leads to further hurt and breakdowns in relationship.
Go … to the person.
Jesus says that, if the first conversation doesn’t work when we go to the person and talk alone with them, bring another person. If that doesn’t work, bring the community … the church.
When we approach people this way, our goal isn’t to confront or shock them like we see in the media. We aren’t trying to punish or shame them. We aren’t even trying to “win.”
Think about that … in any relationship, can you really “win”? You can “win” the argument, but at what cost? The cost of the relationship?
The goal is to love them … to have the tough conversation now so we don’t have to have tougher conversations later.
The goal is to bring restoration, reconciliation, and resolution.
I think this is the reason these verses from Matthew 18 are used in church covenants and constitutions. Relationships are important. Community is important.
What If I’m the One Who Needs to Listen?
This sounds like a great straight-forward process, right?
But what if I’m the one on the receiving end of someone saying, “We need to talk”? Are we open to that conversation?
Sometimes we can become so convinced of our own rightness and the wrongness of the other person that we attempt to justify our own actions. We can’t see that sometimes the person causing harm is us.
Sometimes we’re the ones who need to listen.
Sometimes we’re the ones who need to change.
Even if we go through the steps from Matthew 18, reconciliation is not guaranteed. Jesus understands that reconciliation often is not as easy as having one conversation. He goes on to say that “if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a gentile and a tax collector.”
What does Jesus mean? Is Jesus saying that people with whom we disagree should be kicked out of the church? That we should shun or isolate them?
And here comes the gospel turn.
Aren’t these precisely the people Jesus came to save?
What does Jesus do with tax collectors and sinners?
He eats with them.
He welcomes them.
He loves them.
The Gospel doesn’t suddenly stop for them (or us) when we can’t agree, because Jesus doesn’t give up on people.
A Church Where We Can Disagree
This kind of real and loving communication is desperately needed in all of our relationships … not just at church.
We are taking steps at Holy Trinity to improve communication and clarity. Does it always work? Absolutely not.
So, if you have questions, please ask. If I can answer it, I will. If I don’t know, I’ll tell you I don’t know. And if I or the church has made a mistake, I’ll apologize, and we’ll work to make it right.
Because we don’t need a church where everyone agrees. We don’t need a church where people hold their hurts close because they don’t want to cause a fuss. We need a church where people trust one another enough to disagree honestly, listen carefully, and keep loving one another. We need a church where people can have the tough conversations now, so we don’t have to have the tougher conversations later.
We are all works in progress.
We are all learning.
We are all becoming.
The Rhythm of Love
Let this be a place where we love each other enough to speak and listen in love and with humility.
A place where we work to heal disconnection by going to the person rather than turning away from them.
A place where people can say to each other, “Can we talk?” And we receive this not as a crisis or that something has gone terribly wrong. Instead, we receive it as an invitation to a healthy, faithful, and ongoing rhythm of love … a rhythm of life … a rhythm of being God’s people in relationship.
We have tough conversations now so we don’t have to have tougher conversations later.
Because talking doesn’t have to be a sign that something has gone wrong.
Sometimes talking is one of the ways we make things right through restoration, reconciliation, and resolution.
Reflection Questions
- When someone says, “We need to talk,” what is your first instinct—and what might that reveal about how you approach difficult conversations?
- Is there a conversation you have been avoiding that might lead toward healing, clarity, or reconciliation?
- What would it look like for our congregation to become a place where people can disagree honestly, listen carefully, and keep loving one another?
Epicurious Lutheran 
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